Pictorial issues

We would hate for you to think that everything was always sweetness and goodwill in the Uncertainty Division. Oh, we all get on famously, but we couldn't do without the creative engagement that forms such an integral part of our working relationship. Or, to use a less vague expression, the heated arguments. These are generally flung at each other across the worldwide internet but occasionally spill into real life as well.

So it's not all about holding hands and smiling, in spite of what this photograph suggests.

In fact, this very photo has been subject to some of the internal - what did I call it? - engagement, that has taken place lately. James Aylett, who is a wise man and who I would certainly entrust my children to if I had any, has decided that we must use it in publicity because it's "lovely".

Well, that it may be, but I felt it necessary to point out that it also looks very gay. Like a publicity shot for "queer as folk - the impro stage show".

Observe, for example, Mr Aylett and Mr Stott. Holding hands like a dignified modern gay couple - Aylett is the arty one who owns the house, but Stott is most definitely the one who goes to work and earns most of the money.

Myself and Mr Ormerod are modelling a much more vibrant, young, frisky look. Ormerod in particular looks as though he's about to leap into the bushes and get dirty.

But for me the most suggestive thing of all is Andrew Pontzen's "pleasantly surprised by being taken from behind" look.

(Ali, by virtue of being the only girl, is the only cast member to come out of this whole thing unscathed. But perhaps we can find her a lesbian lover - there are websites where you can apply for such a thing, I've heard...)

Ah, well - it's nothing we can't weather. It might even make good publicity. After all, at least two cast members have covered similar ground in the past.

That's right. Lark and Stott were briefly members of a boyband. Called Gaze.

I'm not sure whether I should use this particular shot on my website. Sure, it was one of my most successful stage appearances in recent years, but I'm worried about getting typecast.