BREAKING NEWS - WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

"We interrupt this programme to bring you a special BBC news broadcast following rumours that there has been an incident today. Although we are unable to confirm these rumours and don't yet know the nature or scale of the possible incident, we are able to confirm that it is rumoured that the police have told us that as yet they are unable to confirm any rumours that there has been an incident, although this remains as yet unconfirmed. We're looking now at a street in London, where as you can see some traffic is moving and some people are milling around, though we can not at the moment confirm whether the street in question has anything to do with the rumoured incident, or indeed whether it is actually a street in London, though we have now heard from some witnesses that there is indeed a street in London, which I must stress the BBC can not ratify in any way. There have been definite rumours that somebody who may have been near the incident had a mobile phone with them at the time, and may at one stage have taken some grainy photographs of a street in London, though at this stage police have not confirmed whether the photographs on your screen are related to the incident or whether they are actually taken from a different incident altogether. Our correspondent is at the Oval now - are you able to confirm any rumours about the incident which may have taken place at the Oval today?"

"Well, it has been an exciting day at the Oval, there are rumours that Glen McGrath took five wickets in a devastating few overs, though it's impossible to confirm these rumours as yet. Specatators have commented that there has been an incident at the Oval, though there has been no official confirmation of this yet and as you can see from your screen, there is a street in London just in this area in which nothing appears to be happening, though police won't confirm whether this is anything to do with the incident, and as the cameras are pointing in the wrong direction it is difficult at this stage to show you any cricket."

"Well, if you've just joined us expecting to see today's episode of Neighbours, I'm afraid that it has been postponed for this special news broadcast to tell you that we know nothing at all about any possible rumoured unconfirmed incident though it is rumoured that an unconfirmed incident has taken place. Our correspondent is watching BBC1 now - can you confirm any of the rumours that David Bishop has been accused of fraud and his wife has left him?"

"Indeed, no I can not, it has been rumoured that there have been incidents on Ramsey Street, but because of the special news broadcast to bring people news that we have no news at the moment it is impossible to say whether any of these rumours are actually true."

"Thank you, well, we will continue to bring you news throughout the day of how little we actually know, though I can not confirm that at the moment, in the mean time here is a picture of a street in London..."