Ready for the Tour

This is a real transcript from a real conversation heard on a real train from real London to real Lancaster. The names have not been changed.

"Oh, hi, Vladimir, great to hear from you again. No, no, I'm on the train. (pause) Well, you know me, always working! (laughs) No, I just can't keep away. Oh, I know, I know everyone tells me that, but it's just that I like to keep on top of everything. Here I am, going on a weekend break, and do you know what I'm taking? Do you know? Do you? (laughs) Really do you know what I'm taking with me? (laughs) The accounts! Yes! (pause) Well they aren't looking too bad but you know me! (laughs) I find the mistakes, however well you hide them! (laughs again) Oh well, you mustn't feel like that, because I'm unusually good at spotting errors. No one else would bother themselves. (laughs)"

It has been suggested that the reason overheard telephone conversations are so irritating is that you can only hear one side of them and therefore are unable to fully understand their content.

I would suggest instead that they are irritating because anyone who is rude enough to have a loud conversation in a enclosed box in which fifty of their foolish fellow humans are trying to read, think or sleep is likely to be saying obnoxious things. What goes through their mind?

"Synthia! How marvellous to speak to you. No, no, well you must tell him that you've had enough. He's simply not worth it darling. (pause) Hello? Hello? No, I can't hear you. The reception on these trains is awful."

Having spent three phone calls (I start to measure time in this new unit which approximates to 40 minutes) staring at the offending woman in the hope of catching her eye and revenging her callousness through sheer eye power, she finally looks around, catches my eye, and breaks off the stare with a look of mute disdain.

Much better to go on a plane where you have to have your mobiles switched off.

Here comes the tour, version II...