How to improve the trains

HOW TO IMPROVE THE TRAINS (an alternative and realistic vision)
By A.Pontzen Esq.
Written on the Virgin Train to London.

1. Ban stupid people
1.i Especially if they're young
1.i.a Especially if they're loud (footnote 1)

2. Ban mobile phones
2.i Especially those with polyphonic ring tones
2.1.a Especially if the ringtones are very loud. Such phones usually belong to those people banned in category (1.i.a)
2.1.b Especially Chopin ring tones. He's turning in his grave.
2.ii Especially if the owner is incapable of realizing you don't need to shout to be heard at the other end. Gone are the days of cans and string.
Such people do not, generally, fall under cat 1.i.a but are more likely middle aged - hence, perhaps, the confusion with the once-popular twine-based toy.
2.iii Upgrade mobile network so that no rail line (whether in a tunnel or
otherwise) goes beyond coverage, thus avoiding the majority of "Can you hear me?" conversations.

3. Ban conversation of how late the train is running
3.i Ban speculation on how much later the train is likely to get

4. Ban sighing (footnote 2)

5. Ban discussion of business plans
5.i Especially by middle-aged business women
5.ii This restriction should apply equally to phone and local conversations

6. Upgrade tannoy so
6.i it works
6.ii it doesn't put an annoying arepeggio on the beginning
6.iii it automatically makes the speaker's voice less irritating

7. Schedule an extra hour onto every arrival time so it feels great when you arrive 50 minutes late.
7.i Specify a departure time 5 minutes early so you never miss a train
7.i.a. Bonus illusion: it seems the train has made up time
7.i.b. Seasoned logicians will note this implies waiting for at least 65 minutes at each station. However, this negates two important factors:
7.1.b.I. The train is more often running late than not, so the wait will be less than 65 mins in the majority of cases.
7.1.b.I.extra N.B. This padding also puts a stop to cumulative delays!
7.1.b.II. Improvements to scheduled times (and other improvements for that matter) need only be applied to the stops which effect me. People not travelling with me are probably just annoying me.

(footnote 1) Such people can be detected by excessive eye-shadow and skirts which are rather too short.

(footnote 2) Yes, we know it's irritating, but you're not helping.